The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
