Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pants are for mortals
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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