I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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