The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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