My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
