The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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