I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
