life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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