I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
