Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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