you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
