It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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