once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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