I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
