The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
