I accidentally had phone sex last night
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
