It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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