I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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