The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
