i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
