if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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