2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
