Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
