i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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