good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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