dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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