i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
