ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Shame - the story of my life.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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