just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
