actually, I'm a sock model
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
