There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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