the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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