: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
