i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
