There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
