my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
