The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Of course I have a pirate flag
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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