But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
