you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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