I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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