the condom got lost in my hair
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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