I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
