apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
