so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
