look no pants
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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