You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
