Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
