Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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