Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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