when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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