she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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